


Emergency at 3AM

by abo_trash



Category: Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Autistic Heather McNamara, F/F, Sexual Humor, Texting, group chats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 04:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10983408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abo_trash/pseuds/abo_trash
Summary: lonely egg:you didnt drop your chewy necklace in the toilet again did youchandler's bitch:no!!!! :Xchandler's bitch:okay so i yes i dropped my necklace in the toilet again but no that's not why i woke you guys up!!!lonely egg:still confused on how you did that tbh.chandler's bitch:look that!!! isnt important right jow!!!!





	Emergency at 3AM

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Heather Cubed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6556411) by [sakurakyouko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakurakyouko/pseuds/sakurakyouko). 



> inspired by heathers cubed and a lot of the other chat fics in the fandom??? bc we needed more chandlmara and dukesaw and i took that upon myself,,,, and also inspired by some groupchats im in oops
> 
> lonely egg - veronica  
> chandler's bitch - mcnamara  
> Don't Need No One - duke  
> macs my bitch - chandler

_**The Best Squad to Ever Squad** _

_> 2:36am_

 

 **chandler's bitch:** okay guys. i know its Late O'Clock and weve got shool in like four hours???

 **chandler's bitch:** but this is an emergency????

 **chandler's bitch:** so im sorry for this!!!!!! x.x

 **chandler's bitch:** _**@macs my bitch, @Don**_ _ **'**_ _ **t Need No One, @lonely egg**_

 **chandler's bitch:** _**@macs my bitch,**_ _ **@Don't**_ _ **Need No One, @lonely egg**_

 **chandler's bitch:** _**@macs my bitch, @Don**_ _ **'**_ _ **t Need No One, @lonely egg**_

 **chandler's bitch:** _**@macs my bitch, @Don**_ _ **'**_ _ **t Need No One, @lonely egg**_

 **lonely egg:** IM UP

 **chandler's bitch:** _**@macs my bitch, @Don**_ _ **'**_ _ **t Need No One, @lonely egg**_

 **chandler's bitch:** oops D:

 **chandler's bitch:** sorry i just… i really need you guys???

 **chandler's bitch:** preferably my amazing and beautiful girlfriend or my awesome and smart best friend though???

 **lonely egg:** what am I then? chopped liver?

 **chandler's bitch:** no youre an egg. silly egg. youre not liver yet.

 **macs my bitch:** M up

 **macs my bitch:** But u caln me btfl isnt gna make up 4 spamin chat

 **Don** **'** **t Need No One:** I haven't been your best friend since you sent me nudes.

 **macs my bitch:** Babe wut

 **chandler's bitch:** i told you that was an accident!!! having two heathers on snapchat is confusing!! DX DX

 **lonely egg:** tell me about it.

 **chandler's bitch:** i just… hit the wrong one…

 **Don** **'** **t Need No One:** Sure, sure. So what's up anyways?

 **Don** **'** **t Need No One:** What kind of emergency is it? It's not like last time, where you accidentally took two sleeping pills and thought you'd die, is it?

 **macs my bitch:** Or wen u crakd ur fone scrn

 **lonely egg:** you didnt drop your chewy necklace in the toilet again did you

 **chandler's bitch:** no!!!! :X

 **chandler's bitch:** okay so i yes i dropped my necklace in the toilet again but no that's not why i woke you guys up!!!

 **lonely egg:** still confused on how you did that tbh.

 **chandler's bitch:** look that!!! isnt important right jow!!!!

 **macs my bitch:** Jow

 **lonely egg:** jow?

 **Don't Need No One:** She also said shool earlier.

 **chandler's bitch:** GUYS PLEADE JUST!!!!!

 **chandler's bitch:** FOCUS!!!!

 **lonely egg:** we're focused!

 **chandler's bitch:** SOrry im hust panickijg!!!!

 **chandler's bitch:** i MAY have decided it was a good idea to shave my legs after taking my sleep meds earlier???

 **chandler's bitch:** and now im bleeding a lot and need help. please???? D:

 **lonely egg:** what? where's your parents?

 **chandler's bitch:** heck if i ever know!! DX

 **Don't Need No One:** Probably fucked off somewhere for the month. I don't think I've even seen them since her thirteenth birthday party honestly.

 **macs my bitch:** Babe how bad

 **chandler's bitch:** okay hold on ill um… ill send it on snapchat…

 **lonely egg:** alright well be waiting.

 **macs my bitch:** BABE HOLY FUCK

 **chandler's bitch:** I KNOW I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!

 **Don't Need No One:** Apply pressure! I'll be there as soon as I can get the Jeep started!

 **macs my bitch:** ALD ON RD

 **lonely egg:** and I'm once again useless.

 **lonely egg:** uh, guess I can keep talking to you though.

 **chandler's bitch:** PLEASE!!!!!

 **lonely egg:** uhhh. keep pressure on it and um. hold it above your head?

 **lonely egg:** that's probably a thing you can do really easy right?

 **chandler's bitch:** just because im a cheerleader doesnt mean i can hold my leg above my head????

 **chandler's bitch:** but yes i can and i will i guess as long as i dont get blood in my hair???

 **lonely egg:** okay see, I thought you were that flexible, but I wasn't sure.

 **Don't Need No One:** Ronnie are you saying you've thought about how flexible she is before?

 **lonely egg:** and are you saying you're driving and texting?

 **Don't Need No One:** Jokes on you because I'm still starting the Jeep.

 **Don't Need No One:** Don't ignore my question though.

 **lonely egg:** you've got hot friends, bae. we've talked about this.

 **chandler's bitch:** i cant believe you just unironically used the word bae. ._.

 **Don't Need No One:** Stop fantasising about my friends.

 **lonely egg:** then get ugly ones?

 **lonely egg:** and I did use bae, because she is my bae. I love her with all my heart and I'd do anything for her.

 **macs my bitch:** Gay

 **lonely egg:** STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING

 **macs my bitch:** Never

 **chandler's bitch:** please??? my snuggly wuggly heather poo?? just focus on the road for me??? :'( :'(

 **lonely egg:** snuggly wuggly heather poo……..

 **macs my bitch:** Gna murder u 4 tht babe

 **macs my bitch:** But ll focs on the rd

_Don't Need No One changed name to:_ **_Ronnie's Bae!_ **

**Ronnie's Bae:** I feel so loved and appreciated. Thank you, Boo.

_lonely egg changed name to:_ **_Duke's Boo!_ **

**Duke's Boo:** you better not be texting and driving too.

 **chandler's bitch:** our girlfriends have no sense of self preservation???

 **Duke's Boo:** they're literally on route to your house because you cut a chunk out of your leg while on sleep medication and are bleeding profusely.

 **Duke's Boo:** I'm not sure you do either.

 **chandler's bitch:** ……touché

_Duke's Boo changed group name to:_ **_Heathers With No Self Preservation!_ **

_chandler's bitch changed the topic to:_ **_…and veronica the mom friend!_ **

**Duke's Boo:** wow if im the mom friend what did you guys do before me?

 **chandler's bitch:** suffer???? miserably??? no self care at all tbh????

 **Duke's Boo:** how bad are you bleeding now btw?

 **chandler's bitch:** not as bad i think? no blood in my hair yet.

 **Duke's Boo:** good! I'm glad!

 **chandler's bitch:** im really tired though and cant wait to sleep after this x.x

 **Duke's Boo:** the sleep meds probably have something to do with that.

 **chandler's bitch:** i know but i cant fall asleep right now,,,,

 **Duke's Boo:** try watching cat videos or something then.

 **chandler's bitch:** noooo!! those are reserved for bad days only!!

 **Duke's Boo:** well. is bleeding out in your bathroom not considered a bad day?

 **chandler's bitch:** ….i guess so…

 **Duke's Boo:** thought so. I'll be here if you need to talk though.

 **chandler's bitch:** honestly i dont want to watch videos i just want to sleep

 **chandler's bitch:** and maybe cuddle with my girlfriend

 **macs my bitch:** Well do tht l8r

 **Duke's Boo:** HEATHER WERE NOT ACKNOWLEDGING YOU UNTIL YOU ARRIVE ALIVE

 **macs my bitch:** U just did tho

 **Duke's Boo:** fucking fight me, Heather

 **Ronnie's Bae:** I volunteer as tribute. And I'll use my lips.

 **Duke's Boo:** ….I can accept that.

 **chandler's bitch:** gay

 **Duke's Boo:** shut up, Heather.

 **chandler's bitch:** never

 **Duke's Boo:** but if I stop responding then you'll have to? because otherwise you'll just be talking to yourself?

 **chandler's bitch:** RONNIE NO PLEASE

 **chandler's bitch:** I'll do anything!!! even kiss you!!!!

 **Duke's Boo:** hell yeah I'll take that

 **Ronnie's Bae:** I can't believe my girlfriend is cheating on me with my best friend.

 **chandler's bitch:** I thought we weren't best friends any more?????

 **Ronnie's Bae:** Yeah and I thought you knew how to shave your legs but apparently I was wrong.

 **Duke's Boo:** are you? texting and driving? really?

 **Ronnie's Bae:** No, it's a red light. I swear.

 **chandler's bitch:** #doubt

 **Duke's Boo:** ^

 **Ronnie's Bae:** Check snapchat then, hoes.

 **Duke's Boo:** wow okay guess I'm a hoe now.

_Duke's Boo changed name to:_ **_Duke's Hoe!_ **

**Duke's Hoe:** also we are NOT having two separate conversations at once again.

 **Ronnie's Bae:** Why not?

 **Duke's Hoe:** why do you think? you're fucking driving. focus on the road!

_chandler's bitch changed name to_ _:_ **_duke's hoe #2!_ **

**macs my bitch:** I cnt blv my gf btryd me????

 **duke's hoe #2:** I'm still your bitch!!!! hold on!!!!

 **Duke's Hoe:** guys stop fucking texting and driving.

_duke's hoe #2 changed name to:_ **_duke_ _'s hoe_ _and chandler's_ _bitch_ _!_ **

**macs my bitch:** Red lites + stop sgns xst

 **Duke's Hoe:** I can't even understand you, Heather. type like a normal person.

 **macs my bitch:** Never

 **duke's hoe and chandler's bitch:** you know she does that to annoy you right??

 **duke** **'s hoe** **and chandler's** **bitch** **:**  and um… how far are you guys away???

 **macs my bitch:** Outsd

 **duke** **'s hoe** **and chandler's** **bitch** **:** oh thank god!!

 **Duke's Hoe:** well. update me on how things go I guess?

 **macs my bitch:** Lemme n babe

 **duke and chandler's hoe:** im trying to! but it's kinda hard to move with my leg above my head!!

 **Duke's Hoe:** omfg, Heather, please. put your foot down before you fall. and let Heather in your house.

 **duke's hoe** **and chandler's** **bitch** **:** …that makes a lot more sense than what I was doing.

 **macs my bitch:** Ily my whacky macky but jfc

 **duke** **'s hoe** **and chandler's** **bitch** **:** that's??? so cute Heather???

_duke_ _'s hoe_ _and chandler's_ _bitch_ _changed name to:_ **_whacky macky!_ **

**macs my bitch:** Yw bunny

 **Ronnie's Bae:** I'm here too, so let me the fuck in, before you fucking bleed out, good god.

 **Duke's Hoe:** I'll be here. lemme know how things go.

 **whacky macky:** ofc!

 

**_Heathers With No Self Preservation_ **

_> 3:02am_

 

**whacky macky: _@Duke's Hoe_**

**whacky macky:** im officially all bandaged up and heather and heather are saying we should skip shool because its late and my sleep meds are gonna knock me out for like eight hours

 **whacky macky:** just so you have an update on whats going on!!!

 **whacky macky:** oh and heather is going to stay the night apparently???

 **Duke's Hoe:** which heather?

 **whacky macky:** bae

 **Duke's Hoe:** my bae or your bae?

 **whacky macky:** your bae

 **whacky macky:** do you honestly think id ever use the word bae to describe heather??? hell no!!!

 **whacky macky:** shes my snuggly wuggly heather poo, my chandy candy, my queen, my cutie patootie.

 **whacky macky:** most definetely not bae!!!!

 **whacky macky:** and now ive offended her somehow??? i blame you ronnie, its all your fault.

 **whacky macky:** oh and she says shes staying over too??? so were having an impromptu sleepover

 **Duke's Hoe:** fucking what, I want to join too.

 **Duke's Hoe:** tell one of them to come pick me up!

 **whacky macky:** theyre arguing about it now

 **Duke's Hoe:** then we can have a celebratory foursome

 **whacky macky:** and heather just smacked heather and told her that she needs to give her gilfriend the d so shell stop being so thirsty….

 **Duke's Hoe:** wow? fuck you?

 **macs my bitch:** U wish liquor lips

 **Duke's Hoe:** hmmm. thats actually pretty cute heather...

_Duke's Hoe changed name to: **liquor lips!**_

**whacky macky:** now theyre arguing about heather stealing you away... and i feel forgotten...

 **liquor lips:** dw mac I still care about you.

 **whacky macky:** this isnt just bc I said id kiss you earlier is it?????

 **liquor lips:** maybe, maybe not.

 **whacky macky:** omg,,, youre TERRIBLE, ronnie!!!

 **liquor lips:** you know it, baby girl

 **macs my bitch:** STOP MKNG MY GF BLUSH

 **liquor lips:** THEN COME PICK ME UP SO I CAN JOIN YOU FUCKS.

 **macs my bitch:** FINE OTW

 **liquor lips:** HELL YEAH!

 **Ronnie's Bae:** Ronnie, why? I feel so betrayed.

 **Ronnie's Bae:** Does our relationship mean nothing to you?

 **liquor lips:** omg Duke, no! I love you! I thought we were just having fun like normal, I'm so sorry!

 **whacky macky:** dont let her fool you, shes laughing rn!! shes just being a dick!!

 **liquor lips:** wow, fuck you heather!

 **liquor lips:** when I get my hands on you, well see which one of us is gonna be the dick in the relationship!

 **whacky macky:** youre not fucking on my floor again!!!!

 **macs my bitch:** again

 **macs my bitch:** AGAIN

 **whacky macky:** YES AGAIN, LAST SLEEPOVER I WOKE UP TO THE TWO OF THEM FUCKING AND IT WAS TERRIBLE I SAW THINGS I NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN!!!!

 **whacky macky:** ALSO STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING!!!!!!

 **Ronnie's Bae:** Oh please, Heather, we heard you fucking yourself when you pretended to go back to sleep.

 **macs my bitch:** DUCKY WHAT

 **whacky macky:** I DID NO SUCH THING

 **liquor lips:** petition to stop talking in the group chat so heather will stop texting and driving.

 **whacky macky:** SIGNED

 **Ronnie's Bae:** Signed, if reluctuantly.

 **liquor lips:** petition passed. groupchat is now muted.

 **whacky macky:** muted

 **Ronnie's Bae:** Muted.

 **macs my bitch:** WHAT THE FUCK NO YOU GUYS CANT JUST MUTE ME AFTER DROPPING THAT BOMB

 **macs my bitch:** IM GONNA KICK ALL OF YOUR ASSES I SWEAR

 **macs my bitch:** JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU THREE AGAIN


End file.
